I want it so badly.

The first few Saturdays of each month I send stories from my personal life about breaking rules, transcending the ordinary and finding magic.

Whether you're an executive, emerging leader, seasoned entrepreneur or budding business owner, I'm grateful you're here and hope my story supports you in some sweet, simple or big way.

Things are objectively good.

For nearly six years, this has been the thing. I have been full time in my business, meaning: I don't depend on side hustles to make ends meet.

Revenue is great year after year, margins are low, I work with people I genuinely love which makes most of it not even feel like work, and — a lineage-healing move on my end — I work very few hours.

It's a dream come true, quite literally.

Not even six years ago I dreamt up a business that looks just like what Mariposa Strategies is today.

I started my business after being treated horribly and feeling relentlessly overwhelmed at my last job which led to panic attacks nearly every night.

Since 2018 Mariposa Strategies has taken care of me in more ways than one. I've been doing it. Hitting six figures+ every year. Working from wherever I want. Clients find me, as do invitations to share my perspective. There have been real rewards based entirely on my ideas and creativity.

A few of the places I've lived, worked and hosted clients in recent years.

And my honest to goodness truth — I’m anxious A LOT of the time.

I heard someone who runs a multimillion dollar company say, "Entrepreneurship is the fastest and most challenging self-development journey anyone will ever go on."

Truth.

It's 2022 and I'm living in a dreamland, doing dream work with dream people while toggling between sobbing in a heap on the floor and busting out strategies all over the wall.

The hustle is real. The fear even realer.

I found myself going after contracts I didn't want and saying yes to things I wanted even less.

I was marketing and selling in ways I’m not proud of. I lost folks over things I've said — not just email subscribers. No one taught me how to become financially secure, I certainly never learned how to stay here once arriving.

Searching for solutions, I was so damn tired. I really just wanted money to appear in my account.

I was asking myself questions like: Rather than cutting expenses, how can I increase revenue? What if I create a business partnership? What if I hire someone to do the marketing and selling that I don't want to do?

They say, if you can make it to the 5 year mark you either pivot or die.

More questions come: What if I find a Big Deal Job that lets me flex the skills I've built? What if Mariposa could get relief from paying me and become my side hustle? Man, I could pay off debt way faster! Oooh, all the specialists I'd see if I had health insurance!

I help people find inner trust and confidence — I started to believe a Big Deal Job was what I needed to regain mine. After all, the last one I had was so shitty for so many reasons, a Big Deal Job would be very validating.

I updated my resume and started reaching out, information-gathering for some future Big Deal Job while exploring strategic collabs in the business.

Researching and spreadsheeting, I tell people outside of my inner circle that I'm looking for a job.

National nonprofits. Tech companies. Corporations. Foundations. I start applying, and pretty much halt marketing for Mariposa. Between job hopefulness, grief over Gaza and general anxiety, it's really easy to justify not promoting stuff.

It had been a decade since I applied for and interviewed for anything, so I wasn't sure how these things worked anymore. Not getting responses I hear is kind of the new norm. Okay. Shitty, but okay.

Being super selective, I'm only looking at places and roles I'm 100% confident about and can get behind mission-wise or money-wise.

The thought of paying off debt is intoxicating. And there I am, hearing from no one. What's fucking with me most, while the missions and money are appealing, these aren't even jobs I really want.

I allowed myself to look at smaller, local organizations and companies. I'm inching closer to needing to take out a business loan but trust the future Big Deal Job will save the day soon since I won't have to pay myself.

Early morning Annie had recurring clarity about the need for a certain amount of income. I know what I need to live and reach my goals, so while smaller, local places whispered during the day, at sunrise I was thinking about the dream company.

I wrote down names of places I'd love to work for. Creative companies. Women-owned companies. Black and Brown-owned companies. National and remote or big city-based — LA ideally.

On a roll, I have a short, clear list of brilliant places and people I'd love to contribute my skills, gifts and talents to. I went to each website and searched career pages.

Gasp! "Oh my god," my heart jumps. The company I'm most inspired by is motherfucking hiring. For one role. That I'm practically perfect for.

I have no idea how long it's been posted, but I know I'd be great, it's based in LA at a Black woman-owned company I can fully imagine a future with.

Contributing my experience running my own company, along with the strategy and coaching I've provided to dozens and dozens of organizations and companies around the country, they want what I've got.

This is my fucking job.

To be continued...

Consider this...

From this very real story of mine, I encourage you to consider a few things:

• Can you relate to any of it? What specifically?
  • Have you moved through your version? If so, what did you do specifically? If you haven't yet, what are some things you can do and/or decisions you can make to get started?
• Are there any parts that make you feel uncomfortable? Why?
• Are you inspired by any of it? What specifically? Why?

More next Saturday.

🍉

Love you,
Annie